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empty sea

What churns the insides
like the arctic sea?
The ice shelves crashing
inside of me

When all should be coming
to an endless gleam
something comes running
to invade serenity

If you are a dove
to take me from the dark
I give you all my love
and it seems that’s just the start

You give me all you can
so what can this be
why are the still jutting cliffs
cutting in to me

Why does the vastness
still overwhelm my mind
when you are here to sooth away the lines
stay by my side

If your side I feel safe and calm
why is it that with only minuets alone
the whole world
goes wrong?

With your love so steady
to comfort me
why won’t the emptiness –
let me be

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feminine flaw

For all those involved
you know what’s been done
you know of the dark
of the things we’ve become

If you hurt me
who is to blame
isn’t that the question
left in our way

The people before us
say it’s the feminine demise
like we draw out the poison
in an older man’s mind

Like are words are a candy
filled with a taint
and what they choose to do
we brought our way

But the people are saying
from ear to ear
in a movement of whispers
that we didn’t bring our selves here

That the shape of our body’s
or how the fabric plays at our skin
that your deeds should not be our damnation
because you forced yourself in

Because kindness most tender
because of our lack of battle field walls
 should not be considered a crime
it’s your turn to be made small

To feel the weakness
we feel each day
knowing no matter how hard we fight
were small and tender – but u shouldn’t be allowed to have your way

inside the beast

there’s demons in my soul
that bring up the worst solutions 
faith begins to lose its face
as they twist into a new conclusion

they are but the beast of mine 
for i should see the signs 
when they rattle bars so fine
inside the recluse of my mind

should i not see through the screen –
what the shadows really mean 
but not the way they become reshaped 
by a distortion of the lights beam

as they turn a harmless situation
into  places where logic has lost any consideration 
as suspicion becomes my foundation 
as the beasts tug as me

Tell me what I am
for I no longer seem to understand
for as I walk
I only stand
– stuck in shifting sands

I merely come from this race of man
but what is my expectation –
lost in meaningless fixations
my heart can take no more of my minds compensations

My war is so long over
what am I still fighting for
is it this disjointed beating in my chest
that keeps looking for more

For my war is long over
I am not who I was anymore
striving for an endless calm
but the fight is all I’ve come to know

Take me from my temptations
I don’t want them anymore
make me who I was before
– before I realized everything isn’t what it was anymore

The street girl who once saved me
doesn’t live behind those her hallow eyes
something ate into her bones and hallowed her inside
the brother I found in that place of wreckage
soul was claimed by the war

Streets laced with addiction
of temptations
the violence that was seen till eyes grow sore
why do you still reflect on those visions?  – when you don’t see them any more

No longer plagued by the endless addictive fixations
no longer in the place that pain came for –
why do you meander through its battle zone
you don’t come from there anymore

I came to rest within your depths
the thought of hope my great temptation
but when handed it to you, the more then my all
this came to be my great damnation
and you say to me you use to be an honest soul just as i
but they hurt you deep they let the pain seep
until every breath was a lie

You use the words to repute
that it was by no miss deed you disrupted me
but saying that by them changing you
you have right to take my trust
and thrust it
as far as you can from me
I was to week ,
painfully week and you claim I needed disrupting

But by my broken heart
as it stops and it starts
I will not be like you

For it takes a selfish soul
who only thinks of themselves alone
to never give
but promise love
and to blame the other
for giving love
for having such passion in the happiness of another

A broken heart
can be made hard
but it’s a selfish soul
to think of their pain alone
to blame the one they hurt for even coming

I was born again
My friend
From an egg inside my soul

With out a peace
Or a promise
To make me hole

It made little seance to carry on
So I let it all go
I died

But revived
Maybe I can find home

For my self
Before I move on
I must leave you
– my past a lingering ghost
I must go
Don’t you know
This time I must walk this road alone

This is not a tail for the faint of heart
nor a tail of old
it will not speak of spender great
ancient wisdoms it may not be told

Dark and dank and vicious thing
of yet it soon may tell
I cannot promise but – I do not think – that it is a spell

It is not of thoughts the sane might think
but as I contemplate on its mirth
telling of the tails within its time – soon you may be worth
so ponder it as I may
and wonder it I must
I cannot stop the thoughts I think
so speak of it I must

 ***

There is a place
an unbottomed pit
that no man has ever found
or for if he has he did not live to speak of it or rephrase its sound

There is a pit with in the earth that flows all the way down
and in its never ending way circles back around

Within there lurks a man admits the dark and fire of it all
a man that is – as it seems – is not a man at all
***
I saw this man of fiery flesh within a waking dream
made burning of brimstone things
and truly delusionary seams
I saw this man that was of night
But masquerades as day
I saw this man that was a beast
that was no beast in the way we know of beasts this day
the serpent of the olden days the dragon
the demonic sun of god
he must have been the fallen one
for he inspired a sinking awe
***
and as I wonder on my dreams I have learned of us as lams
for in the ancient books it claim this  is that
as of what we shall be depicted as
so as I wonder of this hock
of this final jab
as to why
he of monstrous things
is depicted as a ram
***

If Babylon had not been torn
if its knowledge had been known
would the mystery of this truly darkened thing
Surely of been known
for as I know of such damned things I wonder if we are of the same as he
or if it is to only say he is just a bendable
as they claim as thus as me

I am but a single soul
that this labyrinth dose behold
not the only wary mind
that seems to slip
that does coincide
within these wall that consume all time

I echo sharply through the abyss
that is tangled within its mists
I am but one measly soul
that this titanic temple holds

I fight these walls that are around me
tear at these bricks that do surround me
for only a breathing thing to clutch to
for an open door I could consistently come to
a warmer place just for me
that when I need I can run to

But in the end
when these tunnels fade from me
I may just beg
beg not to leave

I try not to take comfort in my misery
but at points that’s all this labyrinth leaves to me

see these things that you have done
straight bellow your midnight sun
this ice and snow
what you’ve become
straight below your mid night sun

for I am not the same as you
I had not the right you did to choose
for I did not seal my fate
I sit in purgatory
its here I wait

it was not your right
my soul to take
these secrets are mine
not meant for you to partake

I’m the monster
no its not I
I am the beast
no its for good that I try
I strive for vengeance
alas no its not me
my heart changes colour
its through strangers eyes that I see

alas what is this
this that I see
alas what is this
no it cant be

here in the Arctic
here in the snow
here below the the sun
you’ll never know

you take bitter words
from battered young lungs
refrain –
and re-frame
from what you’ve become
massacred moments
of what was your past
tainted old feelings that die with the last
of hopes
and off dreams
when all you had left was your will to breath

windows to a soul that can no longer bleed
blinded old eyes
defining a new term for needs

memories of lost souls
and what needed done
when your freedom to live
is the only one thing –
that cant be undone

breath with me
see with me who i once was
and rise with me
try with
the phoenix iv become

rise with me
try with me
from the ashes i come

cj beamish